10 years ago I was diagnosed with depression, ptsd, anxiety and panic disorders.
I had a lot going on in my head and felt so alone; at times I felt so low I contemplated suicide. I wanted to end things, I wanted to feel free from pain. I have struggled on and off for years with this because of things beyond my control, but then on the 7th of January 2016 the world around me died. My little brother at 19 years old jumped to his death from a bridge over the m1. My brother was the most kind hearted guy I knew I could tell him anything and he held no judgment. He was pure and i love him so much and i always will.
I can honestly say that through all the things I had been through 7 years before to make me feel so low was nothing compared to the pain I felt when the police told us they believed it was him. I remember them asking if we knew what clothes he was wearing and all I could think was there was only one jumper I couldn’t find of his. This was later the jumper they showed me in the pictures of his clothing.
That day I not only lost my brother but I lost my family, on that day I saw my parents break in front of me, they couldn’t breath and i couldn’t move. None of us have ever been the same since that day and we never will be. My parents can put on a brave face for the world but I know the truth, they died the day my brother died.
It’s hard to imagine at the time that life moves on and i didn’t want it to I hated everyone for going about their day like nothing had happened and each day is just as hard as the last without him.
3 years have gone by now and although I don’t think things ever get easier I do know they keep going.
I got married in May 2018 and he was missed so much, it is these moments in my life that he will always be absent from, and i want him there most of all. His picture pride of place does not compare.
Every year since on the 7th of January we all gather as a family on that bridge to be with him. It is hard to be there but to not be there is harder, I want to be there like I wish I had been there for him the night he jumped, it has always been hard but this year standing on that bridge was the first time I have not wanted to follow his path and join him Because this year in just a few days I will give birth to a little girl of my own. A neice that my brother, my best friend will never get to meet, and that kills me every day and i know when I hold my girl for the first time it will be bitter sweet, but I also know that he would be so proud of me and so happy for me. I know life has to move on and i know he would want it to, I don’t think that makes it any easier to bare because a part of me will always be with him but I will do what I can to live my life for the both of us and keep him with me in everything that I do. I strongly believe he regrets leaving us I believe he would do anything to turn back time and be with us to celebrate these moments.
For years I contemplated taking my life and ending the pain, but now; to be the person who can’t breath can’t move and can only watch as your family fall around you in pain so unimaginable, I’m thankful I never did, as much as times get hard and i would love to be reunited with my brother I know my family need me and to lose someone in that way is not something I would wish on anybody. You accept when someone is sick you want them free from pain, you accept when an accident happens because they did not want to leave but it happened but the questions left behind when a loved one takes their life will never be answered and that is something you never move on from because the guilt of what you could have done will never go away.
I hope my brother is watching over me and keeping me safe and i do believe he is and i hope I make him proud each day and i will make sure my daughter grows up knowing her uncle Johnathon would have adored her.
Mandy x
