Gretchen

Billy was my everything. He knew me like none other. We met on December 29th 2014. We met in an unusual place, a mental health facility. I was there dealing with depression, he was there for the same. We fell for each other hard. Everyone in the place knew it. The smiles on our faces never left. We ended up leaving on the same day. A week later he was living with me. Life was amazing for awhile, pink cloud if you will. We got engaged.. happy so happy. Then his drug addiction came out. Me being who I am I thought I could change him..fix him.. I tried for almost three years. He would go on and off his meds for depression and personality disorder. He was only 34 when I met him…he had my heart. He was kind, loving, would do anything for anyone! I knew him inside and out. would have have these deep conversations into each other’s soul. He was so very sick though with his mental illness, drugs, alcohol and his time in prison gave him PTSD. He woke me up in the middle of the night and asked if he could ask me a serious question. I said ” of course” he said ” would you please help me kill myself” I said ” no, I will not. I will take you to the hospital to get you back on your meds though” he said ” never mind I was joking” ..I go back to that night a lot because in hindsight he was telling me that he was going to kill himself. Two weeks later I come home from work and he is not there. I assumed he went on a binge because of the stress of finances we were under. ( He hated stress and would leave) that night I went to bed with a weird feeling, I put on his sweat pants and his t shirt. I felt a sense of calmness. I was woken up by my son (20 years old) saying the police are at my door. I went to the door. It was the police cheif and the fire cheif. I said ” Hi, what did he do? What jail is he in? ( They knew Billy well he grew up in that town) they said ” Gretchen we have just come from Billy’s parents house to tell them also. We found Billy’s body behind the highschool this morning. He has killed himself.” I went into a mind blowing cry. I was in shock. It was July 1 St 2017. The fireman were getting ready to set up for the fireworks and found him hanging. The weeks after that I was in shock. I went through life in a robot mode. I have a ring with his ashes in it. I also have a tattoo I got that says ” just breath” and the suicide awareness symbol, the semi colon. I moved to a different state. I have to remove myself. I still talk to his daughters and his parents. I want to help spread the word of suicide awareness and drug addiction!